In my last blog, I shared my word for the year: ADORE. I’ve seen the Lord weave this theme throughout much of my days in 2019 and consistently He brings me back to this word. Considering how much of my life revolves around His heart of adoration for me and his call for my heart to adore Him just as much.
As aspect of my heart that often falls short of adoration is trusting Him with my future. To be fully content in the season of singleness, without a family of my own.
But over the last few months, I’ve carried a false sense of contentment. Thinking in relief when I see women tied down in covenant, and moms who lack community and don’t have much freedom from their children. I find myself selfishly relieved that I am not tied down, to have freedom to go and do as I please. To create my own tempo and pace of my schedule, without consulting someone else or considering anyone else but myself.
In Cambodia, my false contentment was challenged when Haley asked me if I was truly content with my singleness.
And my automatic response was, “Sure, I’m grateful to have an open schedule without considering someone else. I’m grateful to not be in a challenging relationship. I’m grateful for sleep and my ability to do as I please, without considering kids in the equation.”
But the Lord convicted my heart. This false sense of contentment wasn’t the same as being satisfied in my singleness. That is relief–to not be living a selfless and sacrificial lifestyle. And that deep down, I wasn’t satisfied or content in being single. I wasn’t okay without His fulfillment of the promises He gave me in Thailand in 2015. I wasn’t really okay without the longing fulfilled. I still searched for it. I still ached for it. I still tried to manipulate my way into figuring it out or seeing if I could aid the Lord in making it happen.
Here is where the Lord inserted Genesis 22.
I woke up one day with the Lord asking me to spend time with him reading the next chapter in Genesis, and this particular day was Genesis 22. This is the chapter where Abraham was tested. The test: Sacrificing Isaac (the son he waited for…just a 100 years of waiting).
I’ve read this story several times throughout my life, but on this day, it wrecked my heart. The weight of Abraham’s decision was brought to a new depth. A revelation of what true sacrifice was–to see what it really looked like to TRUST the Lord with the very promises he speaks over us then provides for us. And sometimes, he asks us to sacrifice back over to him after he provides…
As a result of this day, the Lord spoke a poem over my heart. It is a reflection on the revelation of Genesis 22, the truths He spoke over me, and how He called me to obedience and action.
Sacrifice
Can you imagine the pain Abraham faced?
Leading his son to his own altar of death?
To release the fulfillment of God’s promised one back over to the very hands that gave?
How could God require such a gut wrenching task?
Yet again years later, God himself painfully led his own son down the same path.
Yet each situation revealed a deep obedience.
That led to choosing faith, building to trust.
Ultimately showing sanctified love.
However, God provided a ram to replace Isaac and Abraham stood firmly on believing he would.
And resurrection to his Son after fulfilling the promises of reconciling our separation to Himself.
So I find myself in utter awe of such depths of love.
To choose sacrifice in the face of the unknown.
To choose to surrender promises back to the Promise Maker.
How does that make sense?
Why do we sacrifice the very promises he promised us first?
Today I found myself shaking in my core.
Seeing my dreams as pieces of God’s very throne.
Small chunks that I’ve hidden away,
yet he is very aware of.
His promises became more important than the One sitting on the throne.
My affection and adoration held tight to the promises.
Of hopes to come.
However his heart is for my affection to to hold tight to he himself.
After all he is the Promise Keeper.
Unaware of the pain I’m causing to myself,
he sweetly draws me in.
Pulls me in closer.
To reveal pieces of my heart that I’ve kept to myself.
Unbelieving he would be faithful.
Beckoning me to sacrifice.
To lay down my promised dreams on the logs of the altar.
To burn at his feet.
To release.
A yes in my spirit was quick to find
but the flesh resisted.
Tears wet my face, my body shook with pain.
How could I sacrifice these two dreams?
What if the Lord isn’t faithful to show up like he did with Abraham?
What if this means I’ll be single for all of my days?
What if I will never hold the title of mother?
How could I forever forfeit these dreams that I’ve held since being little?
Yet my heart knew to trust the Lord.
He was faithful to Abraham,
to Jesus,
to so many people.
Even to myself.
His character is faithful and sovereign.
I slowly held out my hands to release the dream of
a companion, a helpmate, a friend, a lover, a husband.
Letting his peace wash over me.
Trusting him with his plan.
After all he is my groom, already my dream fulfilled.
Then I handed over the baby I dreamed of calling my own.
And the gravity of my release drew another level of pain.
The deepest I’ve known before.
Surrendering in faith because of His faithfulness.
I sat in my wrecking.
Letting the tears stream down my face.
Soaking in the pain.
However, I felt light.
My eyes saw those secret pieces of God’s throne that I held on to slowly fall away, being replaced with His own design.
Seeing my idolatry fall and He regain all control.
What a messy morning that I didn’t expect.
To be weeping on the bedroom floor in Cambodia.
What the Lord does to draw us in to His presence.
How he perfectly refines our hearts.
He asked me to walk into more adoration this year,
and I find myself yielding to that word with each new day.
I don’t have a perfect ending to this journey
because I’m still in the middle of it.
I remain hopeful for the Lord to fulfill the promises,
however I am content if his promises are
larger and grander than can imagine or understand.
Even if that looks like singleness and no title of mother.
I will choose to adore my first love.
The one who created me,
chose to redeem me,
set me apart,
and adores all of my heart.
I choose to sit with my Bridegroom
as he reveals his love and affection for me,
and daily I’ll be lavished by it.
I can trust him.
He is faithful and good,
his very nature and reputation consistently contain it.
Beth, this touched my heart in so many ways. I’m so in awe of how God works and constantly brings our heart closer to His. Love you friend and I’m looking forward to reading your next blog. Big hug
Beth, you are so precious in the Lord’s sight… a willing heart. To be touched by the Spirit of God to walk in the deeper level of understanding, is to truly know and love God. God still has a plan for you… in His time. You have spiritual children.
Thank you, America! I appreciate you taking the time to read my blog 🙂 Also, I’m glad you were encouraged by the lessons I’ve been learning too! Love you as well!!
Thank you for the encouragement! I need to be reminded, essentially every day of His plan and timing 🙂
Beth,
You have a spiritual connection
so deep and attuned to God. In your
poem, I felt the ache in your heart as
you shared your innermost desires
and struggles. He is the great Comforter. His eye is on the sparrow, and even more, he cares about YOU. Keep trusting. Remember, folks back home love you, always!